Thursday, July 16, 2020

Amazon Now Requiring Face Masks For Online Purchases (Satire) © 2020 Phillip Evans

Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the world, recently learned that Walmart would be requiring face masks in all its stores starting Monday, July 20th, even in states where Covid-19 cases are low.

You don't get to be the richest man in the world without being smart, so he immediately realized that Walmart would be losing some customers and their dollars to Amazon. Being a man of the world community, he didn't want to be responsible for a politically correct company losing money, least of all to him, as he has all he needs.

So he teamed up with WWTMWY.commie (We Want To Meet With You) to provide a free service to Amazon shoppers that would validate them as customers who are honestly coming to Amazon, in order to weed out customers who are coming there because they refuse to wear a mask and shop at Walmart.

In an interview with CNN, Bezos explained that once an Amazon shopping cart is activated for checkout, it would email the customer a meeting invite link, whereby the customer must join and have their webcam on showing that their face is covered by a mask while completing their order.

After the customer's purchase, they are invited to remain online and help monitor the purchases of other customers to ensure they are in compliance as well. "This is a win-win, because it reduces the number of staff at Amazon required to operate our new service, and it gives customers a feeling of real power and control over others, which helps to alleviate their initial feeling of being controlled", said Bezos with a wink and a chuckle.

In related news, WWTMWY recently acquired technology that would allow them to remotely scan a special mark on a person's forehead or right hand for when that requirement is put in place for buying or selling, either online or in person.

1 comment:

  1. I just called an Ollie's store and was told by the employee that customers are required to wear a face mask, or no service.

    So I called back and spoke with a manager. The manager informed me that a NEW policy for Georgia has just come down from corporate headquarters which merely recommends that customers wear a mask, but that it is not to be enforced. She said they will be putting out new signs to that effect.

    So Ollie's has loosened up their stance on masks. Why? Backlash from liberty lovers perhaps? I don't know, but it's good to see them not being so sheepish and controlling now.